motionless

I think of suffer from depression. In one month it'll be three years that I was diagnosed with an Autoimmune disease that changed my life. I don't think to this day I've really dealt with it. I just kind of see it as being there. I use to be really good about taking my medication and trying to keep myself healthy. But lately, its more of when I get around to it. I take my medication every so often. Less so often then more. I walk, but I don't have the exercise regiment I use to. Sometimes I really just don't see the point. You can be here today and gone tomorrow. Regardless, if I have a medical condition or not. I know, it's stupid if you know you have something like this not to take care of yourself. Believe me, I see it to. But sometimes, I really don't see the point.

My family does not know. If my mom or grandmother found out it would break their hearts. My mom would probably just yell at me but my grandmother she spends hours in church praying for all us especially me. I just feel so selfish and worthless at the same time. I feel lost and lonely. No one understands how I feel in my house. Every time I cough or squint everyone ask if I took my pills. Pills aren't going to make me better. They may help but the brain is the strongest muscle in my body and if I get myself thinking on the right track then maybe I can help myself and use less of the pills. That shit is as close to poison as you can get any way.

It's hard to wrap your head around something that can take your life. The sad part is has nothing to do with something I may have done. I didn't do anything to get this. I didn't contract it. It was apparently something I was born with and just one decided to flare up. Now the rest of my life will never be the same again. I can't do any of the same activities. No more sports.

Sports were my life. It was something I was good at. I was a great athlete I could play any sport and I was good at it. I was a great baseball/softball player. I played basketball with the boys. I was good at soccer. I loved to go jogging and be outside. No- none of it. My heart says yes, my body says no and my brain is out to lunch because its been three years and it hasn't made a decision either way.

I want to go back to school but it seems almost impossible. As much as I want to it's hard to keep at attention span doped up. I have to figure something out other wise it is going to be an illness that keeps me under wrap its going to be my lethargic approach to life.