My best friend

I did something this week that I never thought I would have to do. I has to say good to my best friend Dodger. I got him 6 years ago and in Dec 11 he went to his eternal resting place. No one in the world will ever understand what he meant to me. I can not even put into words how hard it has been for me to live these past few days without him. He was so sweet and he never left my side. He never left me alone, he's the only thing in the whole world that never made me feel like I was bothering him. He was there with me while I was sick and remained loyal to the end. He passed away with his little head on my sneaker I guess in a way he was looking to me for comfort even though I wasn't home. It was difficult for me to see his lifeless body laying there. Reni was the strong won he picked him up and cradled him. He didn't what I didn't have the courage to do. I could bare the site of his body. I didn't want to remember him that way. We had him cremated and now he sits in a tin in our bedroom. It feels good to know he is still close to me even if I can't see him. Dodger will always be in my heart and I know he's waiting for me at the rainbow bridge. One day he and I will be together. I know in my heart that he didn't want me to see him go no matter how much I wish he didn't have to do that alone. He was a beautiful creature and I will miss him. I did my best by him and I loved Dodger more than anything else in the world. I will forever use the
Life lessons he taught me. I miss you baby boy. RIP Dodger B. God has given me another angel because all dogs go to heaven.

For what it is worth...

It is disheartening to take 5 steps forward then feel like you have taken 10 steps backwards. Why is it that I cannot enjoy the moment. Every thought and every actions has me on the edge of my seat waiting. But I do not know what I am waiting for. The Good? The Bad? I never know.

In one year...

It's crazy how things can change in one year...

I've wanted so many times to come back to post something but I never made the time to sit down and try and put my thoughts together. A lot has happened to me in one year... my father passed away. We'll first we found out he had cancer and then 7 months later he passed away. It was quick and painful. I wish it was neither of the two but it was. He was strong and steadfast throughout the whole process. He took his Chemo and Radiation like a champ. Far better and stronger than anyone could have ever imagined. He walked 20 miles a day almost and never missed a beat until the last two months. It just ripped through his body so quickly it was crazy watching him change.

The past few months we were able to break a lot of ground. He stopped drinking and we were able to figure each other for the wrongs each felt was due. It is tough because not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I think about him all the time. I never though things would be this hard but I'm glad in a sense that there are no more hospital visit. No more waiting for doctors and no more needles. My dad hated needles. He's in a better place and deep down I know it. I would rather I suffer 10 time over then he have to suffer one more day. I'm fortunate I got to see him that morning and say my goodbyes or as he would say see you soon.

My grandmother's husband passed away 2 weeks after my dad died. That was tough to watch her have to bury her entire family.

Haven't seen or spoken much to Willie or Natchez except for when my dad was in the hospital. It unfortunate because no matter what we're still family.

There is still a lot going on with my personally that I am going through that I don't think I'm ready to admit yet. But I'm working through it. I've noticed that I have pushed people away more and that I really could careless about some people.

I'm working through it... and I plan on seeing it through.

Becareful what you wish for...

I've always wanted to be extraordinary. I always wanted to be special. I wanted to be a writer. I always wanted to be different. You should really be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Only problem is... it might not be the way you want it to be.

I wanted to be extraordinary...to my doctors, I am. They have never seen someone with my condition like they see me. I always wanted to be a special person. I am. I'm special to my family because now no matter how old I am, where I live or what is happening around the world, I will always need someone to watch and take care of me. I wanted to be a writer. I may not be published, but I write and I leave my blood, sweat and tears on paper when my pen touches it. I always wanted to be different. Until recently I realized I always have been different it just wasn't as obvious to me as it is now.

I should be careful what I wish for because I did get everything I wished for but it was nothing like I planned it to be. But that' show life works out write. Nothing really works out how you plan it, it's all about how you rebound and roll with the punches.

I've always wanted to be one of those people you meet in your life that you'll never forget and believe it or not I will be a one of those people to those I allow to get to know me for who I am and not just want I go through or for what I allow them to perceive of me. I come with the good, the bad and the ugly but I always have moments of absolute beauty. I said it to myself a thousand times and now I'm going to publish it- in my own special way that is. I want to be better. I want to take care of myself and others. I'm going to follow my dreams as far as they will take me. One day I will be published. One day I will be okay. I'll know how to take care of myself and I'll have everything I need and maybe I'll have a few wants thrown in there.

Only time will tell. I just have to learn to better in my own way...

Take my medication when I know I am suppose to take - currently I take it whenever. Well whenever isn't enough because I'm only hurting the people who care about me.

Work a little harder. While I do push hard then the average person there are plenty of opportunities that miss because I allow myself to only do what is necessary. I have to take every opportunity as if it was my last because the way my life has been going it could be.

Tone down the fear. Since I've become sick I spend a lot of time with fear. I use to be fearless. I was up for the challenge. I use to think maybe I was just becoming cautious now I know it is fear that is consuming me.

Change. I need to embrace what is happening to me. I cannot control it and I cannot change it. But I can roll with the punches and lessen the blow on the ego. I'm not an extremely proud individual but if I can notice the changes in myself then so can everyone else and those are the changes that I both fear and need to learn to embrace because those changes will mold the new me.

I want to tell a story, only problem is the only story I have to tell is my own. I've haven't got a grip on things enough to be about to tell my story. I don't know where to start and I don't know how it will all finish. One day someone will see the world through my eyes and hopefully that will change everything for them the way this has changed everything for me.

Anger. I have to work on being angry with God. Sometimes I ask why did you pick me. What did I do to deserve this. I should be asking how can I help people like me. It's a hard question to ask and it's even harder I'm sure to find out the answer. Being angry with God and the world is not going to solve my problems- it hasn't solved them yet at least. So rather than changing the world I need to change myself and then my situation. It's not going to be easy but I need to be committed to myself for my lifes sake.

Outside

Songwriters: Lewis, Aarron;

And you bring me to my knees, again

All this time that I could beg you please, in vain

All the times that I felt insecure, for you

And I leave my burdens at the door

I'm on the outside

I'm looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors'

Cause inside you're ugly

Ugly like meI can see through you

See to the real you

All this time that I felt like this won't end

It's for you

And I taste what I could never have

Was from you

All those times that I tried

My intentions

Full of pride

And I waste more time than anyone

I'm on the outside

I'm looking inI can see through you

See your true colors

Cause inside you're ugly

Ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you

All the times that I cried

All this wastin

It's all inside

And I feel all this pain

Stuffed it down

It's back again

And I lie here in bed

All aloneI cant mend but I feel

Tomorrow will be okay

I'm on the outside

I'm looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

Inside you're ugly

Ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you

Good People...

What does it take to be a good person? Being kind to other people? Showing people you care? Being considerate of others? What about being a good husband or wife? Doesn't being a good husband or wife require the same? Being considerate, compassionate and showing the other person you are. No, not my dad. My dad doesn’t consider this being a good person. I'm not sure my dad even understands what being a good person consist of. He's selfish. He's inconsiderate of everyone. He's demeaning. He's demoralizing. He's cruel and he doesn’t apologize for shit. He's hurtful and expect things that he doesn't give to other people, like something as simple as respect. My dad will call you a bitch to your face and tell you to go and fuck yourself. But if you give him attitude he'll think you're challenging him. Ironic. He can call you anything in the book but if you so much as cop an attitude your the instigator, your the one with the problem. I've debated even writing this or saying it out loud but I think I'm starting to hate him. I know one day I might regret those words but he's put my family through a lot. He's not the reason for all that we've been there but he damn sure did cause a lot of it. He's the fucking reason I'm sick. It's his fucked up genes that gave me what I have. He can't face that reality and says that I'm sick because I'm weak. It's fucking GENETIC bitch it don't got shit to do with you thinking I'm a punk. As my word is my bond the next time that dude fucks with my I'm putting his ass in hand cuffs.

Writer

I wanted to be the next great American author. The only problem is I do not know how. I have written anything period. Not an essay, not a story... absolutely nothing. But I want to... and I want to be an author. I just do not know how to find my own way. I can not wait for the day when I can sit down and just write all day. Write what I see, write what I smell and feel. Just write. That idea seems complete impossible... obscure from my day to day life as it is now. But a girl can dream can't see?